Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The worst pain in over a year
Yesterday did not go well for me at all. No I did not get to read, that was the last thing on my mind. So I will have to read today. But I wanted to share what happened.
I was getting ready to do the dishes and a rainbow flashed in my eyes. I turned and it fallowed. I cleaned my glasses and it changed nothing. When I closed my eyes it was all I could see. I realized I was about to have a very bad migraine, and started to panic. I called Shaun at work in full panic mode and told him what was going on. He asked if I hurt, I said no. he asked why I was panicking then. I told him what happened the last time this happened, I ended up in the ER.
Shaun stopped his work, jumped on WebMD, and found what I was having. It was an ocular migraine, painless, and happens to 7% of people. He read out loud to me what it was, how it worked, and that there was nothing needed to do and it would go away in 30 minutes or so and I would be fine. I calmed down and he said last time I may have caused the migraine by panicking. So I calmed down, and yes it did go away after about 30 mins. It was another 10 mins before the pain started.
It started in my eyes, hot pain and throbbing. Then it felt like I had been hit with a brick in the face, my nose was numb, I was dizzy, everything hurt so very bad. It was another 30 mins before Shaun go home to me. I looked drunk, and waves of intense pain kept washing over me. I couldn’t think clear, I felt sick, and each wave wound hit harder, and leave me more drunk feeling and half passed out. The sick feeling kept me from passing out all the way somehow.
It felt like I was a kid in a very bad dream, everything was fuzzy feeling. No really, everything I touched felt like velvet. I believe I was half dreaming rather than thinking. There were little people in my face trying to fix things, but little quakes would shake them off their feet and make waves wash them away. Then they out climb back to their spots and keep trying to put out fires in my face, and fix my nerves. It was crazy.
As soon as Shaun got there he asked if I had taken any pain pills. I had not. He gave me 2, and hour later I was worse so he gave me another. He had all the lights in the house off, took my glasses away so I would stop trying to use my eyes, and stripped me down to cool me off. Then he sat with me and kept me calm. When each wave hit I would start to cry, he told me it would be ok again. That this would go away, and to breath and count. I thought of yoga breathing. He said to cry for a second if it helped, but that too much would make it hurt more. That was true.
He held me when I would let him, go me a cool wet rag for my eyes, and even sat in the bathroom floor for an hour with me. I told him to run a bath so I could wash my hair; I told him it would be like a scalp massage. So he did and go me a bowl because I still felt sick. I wouldn’t let him wash my hair, in my mind it wasn’t my hair anymore, it was all my nerves poring out of my head and I needed to clean them and put them back. I washed really slow, I think I was passing out for a few mins here and there.
After I washed I turned on the shower, and just sat in it, letting it drum on my head and back in the dark. I could feel chills over my body now, not fuzzy, sharp, like a pin dragging over my skin. In my dream like world the little people were winding in my nerves and nailing them back in place. The sick feeling went away, for a time. So I tried to remember, anything. I don’t recall the passing of any real time, just the pain and dream people, and my loving husband sitting on the floor keeping an eye on me.
I asked him to go look something up to help me, he found a site online that told him I was doing all I could. I told him I would be ok and to stay in there. I wanted to be alone and pray. I don’t know why, I just did. It took a few tries to remember Hail Marry, and trying to think hurt a lot. To I just prayed “Our Father” once and then “Hail Marry” over and over. It helped. Then I turned off the water and lay back and kept praying.
I think I must have fell asleep, because I was looking down at myself in the bath, in the dark, praying in bits. Then I vomited, my dream self did, and went to bed. The next thing I knew I sat up in the back, grabbed my bowl, cried out for help, and filled my bowl. It was bad, and when I was empty my body kept going. It was like my body was trying to turn inside out. I forced some of the water Shaun brought me down, I thought it would be nice if water came up and not my insides. But the water stopped it, and I asked to juice to get the flavor out of my mouth. I gargled a bit of water, blow my nose, all the normal things you do after you vomit. The juice helped a lot, and I had the dream still in my mind, telling me to go to bed.
So I did, and I could sleep now. It was nice. My white cat Falcora kept checking on me, making me pet her. She felt good, soft, safe. Touching her became a good thing, I still felt like a kid in a bad dream, but she made it feel like I had an angel keeping the dark away. At around 9:30 PM I sat up wide awak, and all I could think was “I want ice cream, and we have a gallon.” I asked Shaun if I could have some, he said yes if I felt up to it, and logged it. And he had some too, and it was good, and cool, and I felt better. Not 100%, not even 70% but I was me.
I was up for about an hour before sleep took me again. And I’m not 100% even now. My head still hurts, I feel like my mind is a bit slow, and I have very little motivation. I know that without Shaun I would have ended up in the ER, and it would have been a lot harder to deal with. I also feel bad because this is not a new thing for me. some of my first memories are of having migraines like that, I remember being about 3 and speeping on the toilet seat because I was going to be sick and It was cool. My mom would clean the toilet and bathroom s soon as I told her what was going on. The bathroom was my safe place.
I remember the day it became my safe place, I was sick with a migraine and my older brother Steven told me to take a bath, “when I feel sick I take a bath and it makes me feel better.” So I did, and it helped. That or the meds my mom gave me kicked in, but being a kid it was the bath I remembered. To this day, if I’m sick I run a bath, and take my pills in the bath. I will bring water to drink with me. And I stay there until I’m better; I’ve even slept in the bath. Not all night, but for like 5 hours.
Poor Shaun gets to deal with this now, its part of me. it has gotten me fired for jobs, made me miss school, and made some parts of life hard. I just wanted to share because I read that the lady that lost almost 200lbs had the same thing. She wrote a book about it that I’m going to see if I can check out. I wonder if it’s this bad because I’m so big and unhealthy? Maybe this too will change.