Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I'm having a hard time

I'm doing well, I've lost 10 lbs really fast. but the new part of this is over, and now I am feeling down, and fat. I started doing videos about the food, just because there were not any out there when I was looking into joining Nutrisystem. But that means I do a video for each new food, and that means I have done 4 videos a day for 4 days. they are short, but I have to watch them before I post them. That means I have seen myself as I am, not as I am in my head. And I always though I looked ok, not a big round fat lady. But now I watch myself take a bite or 2 of each food, I see me eating. I bob my head to the tune of me eating if I like the food! How freaky is that?! I talk about food like its art, feeling out the textures and flavors. If I were not fat, I think I could eat for a living. How Bass Ackwards is that? 

I didn't know I was so big, I was 272 when this started. But I didn't see it. the mirror only shows a little of me, and I block out what I don't like. Now I see it, and I want to change it. But Its affecting me. I don't see why my husband would want to touch me, let alone think I'm sexy. I am grumpy, and moody, and today I just want to cry. I've started waking up at night and not being able to go back to sleep because before in my dreams I was thin. I dreamed myself how I want to look, now I dream me as fat, and alone. That may sound stupid to some people, but I am seeing the truth for the first time, and it keeps me up at night. 

Today is day 1 of my working out an hour everyday. I'm hoping it will help me work out how much I seem to hate fat me. Because its unfair to the people around me that are being so loving and kind for me to be moody and grumpy because I'm fat. 

How do I get past this? Or does it go away with the weight?


  1. Jamie,
    What you're trying to accomplish is fantastic, and you should take courage from the fact that you're working towards a goal that you've set for yourself. Losing weight will hopefully help you feel better, physically and mentally, but I'd encourage you to not be overly hard on yourself here at the beginning. You're making good first steps, and it sounds like you have a plan, which is going to provide excellent support as you move forward.

    You mentioned starting to workout; that sounds awesome! I know when I personally don't get exercise, I tend to feel more downtrodden regardless of anything else going on (those workout endorphins are real things!). And, again, having that plan will help you every step of the way.

    I wish you all the best in your journey, and I hope that you find it getting easier as you go.

  2. Keep on it you are doing well and will only get better!

  3. I agree with the commenters above.

    Plus - facing both the truth of what you look like AND how you feel about it will help in many ways. Coming face to face with that is bound to be a bit of a shock. But, keep in mind - your husband is a winner, and if he says you're sexy, than you are. Husbands are often inexplicable creatures. but if the man says he likes your body, for pity's sake, don't correct him. Enjoy it.

    As for today? Be sad, be grumpy, and move on. You're doing great. What you're doing is trying to make a major lifestyle change, and there will be some pushback from within yourself. Mother the part that's pushing back, comfort it, love it, and make it behave anyway. And give that man you love a kiss and a thank you.

  4. Jamie it takes time. Keep at it. I don't know you but I follow your husband on Twitter and it looks like he truly supports you in this. If you want it, do it.

  5. thank you everyone. I got my workout and that helped. Talking helped. i just need to push on. Thank you all for helping in this.

  6. a little exercise everyday. that's all, sweetheart. there are a million ways to work out. I learned how to get the most out of my free weights by watching youtube. my aunt offered to sign me up for personal training but I don't enjoy being made to walk like a crab and all that silly stuff trainers do. but I tried out a lot of different exercises and found what works for me. you can too. I still got a belly but I'm strong and healthy and that belly is going away. it won't be on me much longer. I aint gonna be buried with the damn thing! keep at it! eye of the tiger, Rocky!!